Raw & Real: Reflecting on your Relationship with Yourself.

Disclaimer: I, too, am human and a constant work in progress. My words are to never assume that I know more about life than anyone else. I sure as heck don’t assume I know more about your life than you know about yours. I am only an expert on me. These thoughts come from a combination of my life experiences, my work as a mental health therapist, tons of books, and countless hours of enriching conversations with many beautiful people.  I kindly say, take what works and drop what doesn’t.

“Who do we become in order to maintain belonging? Who do we become in order to maintain “love”? 

Mark Groves

Dear Reader,

Something I have noticed is that the term self-love can turn some people off so quickly. This could be because of the l-o-v-e word or the word self and the insinuation that it’s about you. Either way, because of the awkwardness it can bring up in people, I feel it does not get enough airtime. Use whatever phrase feels best; self-acceptance, self-love, self-compassion, inner admiration or even “I like myself.” What we are going for here is a reflection on the relationship you have with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever have.  Think about the closest, most fulfilling intimate relationship you have or have had with another person in your life. Please note that intimate does not necessarily mean sexual. Intimacy can include sexual experiences as well as a deep bond with a friend or a coworker. Typically, the more vulnerability a relationship allows for, the more intimate it is. I have no doubt you can look at that relationship and see the growth that had to take place to get to where it is today. Sharing openly with another person, feeling safe with them, knowing you can disagree with them, and it does not threaten the status of the relationship are all healthy signs of intimacy. Allowing the other person in the relationship to be exactly who they are, is also a hallmark sign of intimacy and health in the relationship.  Maybe there were certain difficult experiences you had with this person that left you feeling closer to one another, furthering forgiveness, and deepening an understanding of each other. Perhaps joyous occasions you experienced together created a more thorough appreciation of the other person and what they bring to your life.

Now reflect on the relationship you have with yourself. Think about if you were to grade that relationship with an “A” being the best and an “F” being the worst. What grade would you give your relationship with yourself? If there were to be an explanation of why you gave it that grade, what would be yours? Could it be better? If it’s anything like my Math and Science grades, definitely! Do you support yourself in being exactly who you are? Are you allowing yourself to share your own thoughts? Are you being open with your vulnerable feelings? Can you allow for disagreement within yourself? Is there forgiveness offered to yourself when mistakes are made? On the flip side, do you marinate in your proud moments and soak in the experiences where your character shines?  Most humans that I have worked with, even the ones that in my initial observation seem to “have it all” and act very confident in who they are, could use some work on how they feel about themselves. I don’t know many people who have lived this life unscathed by negative feelings towards themselves. I’ll share more later about why I feel this is so common. I can look back on times in my life where I verbalized loving myself and proclaimed to accept all of me, yet my behaviors, anxious tendencies, how my body felt, and reactions told a different story. As I look back on younger versions of myself, there was always more acceptance and compassion to be found.

Here are some signs that could mean the relationship with yourself needs improvement:

♦ Difficulty accepting compliments (women, you know who you are…)

♦ Poor confidence

♦ Comparison of yourself to others

♦ Focus on the negative

♦ Feelings of insecurity around others

♦ Compulsively apologizing

♦ Sensitivity to criticism

♦ Tearing yourself down

♦ Sabatoging relationships

♦ Feelings of anger towards self and others

♦ Judging yourself for the mistakes

♦ Neglecting your body and health

♦ Being a people pleaser

♦ Perfectionism

♦ Allowing others to control you

Here's the thing to keep in mind. We were not born with a bad or unhealthy relationship with ourselves, and we did not start doing the above habits just one day out of nowhere. When we were very young our brain was not filled with critical thoughts or judgements about our mistakes. Day one of our lives, we do not feel that others have it better or believe we are not enough in some way. Just like the closest relationship with another I had you reflect on earlier, and the trials and tribulations it went through to get to where it is today, it is the same as the relationship we go through with ourselves.

In her book, Fierce Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff, Ph.D. shares that just like food and water are necessities to survive, so too is love. What she is saying here is, that feeling a sense of belonging, that being understood, important and valued, and being included in something bigger than yourself is not just a luxury we’re considered lucky to have, but rather a factor that’s part of our existing, thriving and living in this world. When we go without the love of others, there are many residual impacts.  If love is just as vital as food and water is to our living, then the lengths we will go to get it are important to take note of. I sit across from adults in the therapy setting who show up with various concerns such as trying to be more confident, get less irritated or feel less anxious. What I often notice is there tends to be a relationship in their current life setting where they want to see change and their earlier experiences in life. Early in life, we can receive messages about who we need to be to be “enough” in this world. This messaging can come from societal pressures, familial expectations and traditions, peer groups norms, parents’ desires, and really any space and influence that is outside of ourselves. For example, as children we are hard wired to make our parents proud, to please them and keep them happy with who we are. If staying connected and loved is one of our unconscious jobs as children, we try to keep the adults happy because their acceptance means love. Love as we’ve established is required and we are most likely going to do whatever we can to keep that lifeline going.

As a child, to keep that lifeline going within my circle of people, I learned to dampen the parts of me that were perceived as “different” or “weird.” I quieted the things about me that tended to be misunderstood or not fully accepted. I inherited a major role of making others around me happy. I think it’s safe to say we either are or know of someone who would be considered a “people pleaser.”  This often meant more parts of me went into isolation to “keep the peace” in efforts to make others comfortable. Because of the young age we are when we do these kinds of things, we are not always aware of these internal choices. Developmentally, as children, we cannot see the exchange of changing who we are to keep the connection and acceptance of another.

When do we become aware of it? This historical pattern can come to light in our adulthood, typically within our relationships with others and through how we relate to stress in our lives. It’s almost as if the closer the relationship with another, the closer an invisible mirror is held up to see deeper parts of ourselves. The reflection can make more visible the parts of ourselves we don’t like, hold back expressing, feel guilty or ashamed of.  This mirror can also be represented when we face stress, big changes, overwhelming responsibilities, feeling under pressure, and going through the waves of grief. The parts of ourselves we witness more deeply and at times painfully through the mirror, are often the parts of ourselves that need more attention and healing.  It’s been through my own mirrors where I have identified the parts of me that felt stuck, unnoticed, and needed to be witnessed and accepted. They needed to be witnessed, accepted, not judged and have a sense of belonging, but this time from me.   It’s through those mirrors that I have understood more of what it means to love myself, respect what makes me who I am, and have compassion for when I don’t always “get it right.” My greatest teachers have been my own perceived failures.  The relationships that ended, chapters that didn’t go as planned and times when the deepest parts of me felt they were on trial for being wrong, these all are my teachers.  They have always given me an opportunity to learn, soften, forgive, and love again. Over and over.  I image this will only continue.

A woman in her 80’s came to therapy with me 6 years ago to address the relationship she had with herself after losing a loved one. I remember thinking, “does this self-growth work never end?” While that thought was daunting at first, what has changed for me is having more appreciation for the journey of loving myself and embracing its messiness more fully than I have before.  It’s my belief, that if I am living right, there’s always more to learn and get to know about who I really am.  Being present as others undergo a similar journey, has been one of the most touching and influential experiences, ever.    

Oh, there is one more benefit to learning to love yourself more.  When you find more compassion and acceptance for yourself, you’re able to find more compassion and acceptance for others.  I think our world needs this more, especially now.  Don’t you think?

In kindness and love,

Meg